Things I'd Like To Say

Working in a small country ER can be fun and challenging.
It can be fun since, without the extra staff around any given crisis requires one to do thngs which would be referred to specialists in a bigger centre. Casting, stitching, clot-busting, we do it all out here.
It can be challenging because some patients, despite our best efforts, seem incapable of following instructions or answering the simplest questions in a straight-forward manner.
So, in order to relieve some of my stress, here are some lines I'd like to use but can't:
1) What made you think this was an emergency?
2) You've had this for two years, haven't called your family doctor and it's now 2 am on a Saturday night. Why aren't you asleep in bed like you should be?
3) So you've tried absolutely nothing and it hasn't worked?
4) "A while" is not an answer to "how long have you had this".
5) It's a "yes or no" question. Do you have chest pain.
6) No, I don't care about what you told your friend yesterday. I asked you if you have shortness of breath.
7) So you drank 12 beers and then jumped into a firepit. And you now want me to be empathetic?
8) You should wear loafers. Tying your shoes is clearly a challenge.
9) If you don't know why you're here today, how do expect me to know?